SuperZero

I cannot adequately express my disappointment in words. You would have to spend a day with me, sitting in the park alone, feeding the pigeons. You would have to read the lines of grief on my face, if not in person then perhaps you would have to see them in a picture, which wouldn’t be quite as good but technology has improved to the point where I think you would have a reasonable idea just how bothered by this whole thing I am. Yet that wouldn’t be enough, for my grief is an iceberg in every way except for in the way that icebergs are melting. I assure you my grief is not melting. Okay perhaps the iceberg analogy wasn’t very good. I was trying to come up with an analogy to illustrate how my grief runs much deeper than what you see on the surface but given the state of global warming the iceberg comparison is kind of contradictory. Twenty years ago it would have been a good analogy. Twenty years from now it might be a good analogy again. But this year is a bad year for iceberg analogies.

This is why we need to stop global warming. Our children will be fine. It is our analogies that are at stake. First the analogies go, then the puns. Before you know it there won't be an ounce of irony left in the world, and what then? We'll all be sitting on the beach, sipping on margaritas and digging our toes into the sand, trying to think of something clever. Although I seem to be getting myself worked up over it, the environment is not what this is about.


I can hardly come to terms with the fact that super powers and super scientific technology are relegated only to the realm of imagination and cinema. For example, in the movie Mission Impossible Tom Cruise possesses the technology to create a mask rendering him identical to another person. Yet all he does with it is pull the ol’ "dressing up a henchman to look exactly like the hero so when you think the hero gets killed they pull back a mask and you see it's a henchman" trick. Then he runs around and shoot bullets at gas tanks and blows up cars, which is very far fetched. Oh, also, he runs through fire in slow motion. Well I’m fairly certain he runs through the fire in regular speed motion first, then someone goes back later and slows it down on film. This way your brain has time to process a.) Tom Cruise is running and b.) there is fire. If you, the reader, ever need to run through fire I suggest running through at a high rate of speed, or (more intelligently) simply turning around and running the other way. Let's face it, whatever you have to run through fire for probably isn't worth it in the first place, and you're likely to find it better and less expensive somewhere else. What about love, you ask? Surely love would be worth running through fire. Easy to say now, sitting there comfortable in your chair sipping green tea and existing in a perpetual state of extinguished, but if you're actually placed in a fiery situation chances are you'll recall a few of your significant others peccadillo's. A girl who farts in her sleep isn't worth 3rd degree burns over 80% of my body a-thank-you-very-much.

But let's speak of the foolish things you pretend you would do for love another day. Today we're discussing something important; super scientific technology and incredible powers.

You’re going to tell me that if you could make a mask that looks and sounds exactly like someone else you’re not going to pull a few gags? Which of you rascals* could actually resist the temptation of making a mask that looks like your best friend, impersonating him for a day and ruining his life? Not this puppy.

I want a mask of my own face looking interested, thus rendering dating effortless! It is a scientifically proven fact that men owe their prominent brows not to evolution but to raising and lowering their eyebrows in an exhausting attempt at sympathy while women complain about coworkers.

I think the only super power people shouldn’t be allowed to have is the power of invisibility. I don’t care who you are if you have the power of invisibility you’re going to go from 0 to creepy faster than you can say “So nobody can see me, right?" I think the only people who would not want the power of invisibility are those guys who run around in trench coats and flash women in supermarket parking lots. How disappointed would they be if they jumped out from behind the bush, revealed the secret, and then found nobody could see them? It kind of ruins the whole point I would imagine.

The powers I desire are not far fetched. I wish for the power to not be tired despite sleeping 10 hours the previous night. Some people say the reason I am tired is because I got too much sleep. Very untrue. I get all cozy in bed at 10 pm the night before, wake up at 7:30 in the morning, and still feel like I want to pass out from exhaustion. The only logical conclusion is to assume I am half bear. Which explains more than I'm willing to share here.

I also wish for the power to make people pull out of their parking spaces within a reasonable amount of time after getting in their vehicle. Looking for a parking space in a packed lot is frustrating, but assuming you found a spot when you see a person get into their car only to wait 20 minutes for them to get it together enough to throw the car in reverse is flat out enraging. What's going on in that vehicle that you can't pull out of the spot? Are you studying astronomy? Are you unwrapping the new Lady Gaga cd? Because I get that, cd packaging is a challenge. Seriously though, move it or lose it sister, I got places to be!** Conversely it is a never ending source of joy when I have to walk out to my car to retrieve an item only to see someone waiting to take my spot not knowing I have no intention of leaving. Sometimes I just get in my car and sit there for a few moments even though I just needed to grab my cell phone. Just as the person gives up and starts inching forward I put my car in reverse so they see my lights, stop, and hope against hope that I'll finally pull out. Then I put my car back in park, jump out, shrug, and walk away. This works best in parking lots during Christmas. Another slick move you can try is to walk down the opposite aisle of your car in a busy parking lot until someone starts following you. Then, when you get parallel to your car, dart towards it. The person will stop, assuming they're getting a spot, until they realize you're actually parked on the other side and they won't have access unless they drive all the way around. For advanced schemers you can simply walk past your car the first time, leading the person to believe your parked on the other side, only to double back and return to your car and pull out behind them.

Perhaps I have a power I never imagined. The power to annoy. And like the best super powers, it comes naturally.
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*Or scalawag, if you're a pirate
** I actually don't have many places to be.