Hi there!
I'm Chad. You might remember me from every 80's romantic teen comedy movie you've ever seen. I didn't play a big role, but I was always present to some capacity. The lead character of the movie, the guy you always rooted for, was a bit of an awkward dork who didn't stand out any way in particular and definitely didn't know his way around women. I was his anti-thesis. I was the tall, athletic, handsome guy who was popular and dated the most attractive girl in school. In short, I was awesome. Yet somehow, always the enemy.
Without fail I was depicted as the kind of guy you didn't want to be. It was so common, in fact, that the name Chad has become a bit of a joke and is typically used as a way to denegrate an individual. Isn't that nice? Being condescending like that? I'll bet it makes you feel very clever. It's also the basest form of humor and I hope you enjoy the laughs you get from putting other people down. Does that make you feel better about yourself?
Let's examine the circumstances for a moment.
I was the captain of the football, basketball, and soccer team. Sometimes, if the writer wanted to mix things up, I would be the best at skiing.
He couldn't run because he had asthma.
I was nominated for Prom King.
He was overlord of dungeons and dragons.
He had to perform science experiments in order to magically create a woman to like him.
I dated real live girls that weren't born from test tubes.
I had six pack abs.
He had a botched circumciscion.
I know it seemed cute and sweet that he would sit silently in the back of class and write poetry in the back of his Hello Kitty notebooks but in real life it doesn't register that way. It goes from creepy to somewhat dangerous.
In short, for all the jokes and laughs had at my expense, my life has been awesome. What do you think happened after I lost the big competition to the loser at the climatic scene in the film? Do you think I went home and washed down a bottle of valium with a quart of whiskey? No, I pulled my shit together and moved on because I'm a winner. Not some whining emo band geek desperate for people's love and affection.
Take a good, long hard look in the mirror, America. Who would you root for?
The market share of losers is way higher than the market share of winners. Meaning, there are way more losers willing to buy a movie ticket to see someone, like you, losing for once. It's why we call it fiction. Actually, it should be called fantasy, that's the only place the fat, pimple faced nerd would get the hottie in the end.
ReplyDeleteWinning happened a long time before charlie sheen, Chad, and you, most definitely have tiger blood.
Well said sir!
ReplyDelete